The Bachelor recap: Season 27, Episode 1 - The A.V. Club

The premiere of a new season of The Bachelor —two hours of being waterboarded by workout montages and wannabe influencers professing their love for a man they haven’t even met yet—is always a little bit of a mindfuck.

On his hometown date, his Uncle Pat spoke in strikingly deep voice that made me look up from my phone and say, “Is that David Puddy?” Yes!

Zach has already met five of them on After The Final Rose, a detail I didn’t remember because my brain refuses to retain information about The Bachelor for longer than three months.

Zach enters the mansion to address his group of 30 women and begins with, “I’m just a dude who loves family, football, and frozen pizzas.” It’s made so much worse by the fact that he clearly rehearsed this speech and determined that was a winning opening line.

The rest could have been cut and pasted from any other opening Bachelor toast, and then the night is a blur of awkward get-to-know-you gimmicks and first kisses.

Madison spends the rest of the night spiraling until confronting Zach right before the rose ceremony, forcing him to dump her minutes earlier than he would have anyway.