The Bachelorette Recap: Mutual Authentication - Vulture

An entire room of men screamed, “BUT YOU ALREADY DID THAT!” at Karl and Katie basically stormed out of the cocktail party and it’s only episode two.

Before we can get to the surprisingly poignant one-on-one date, it’s time for a performance date!

Boston Christian, Garrett, Tre, Quartney, Mike P., James, Justin, Thomas, Connor B., and Karl are on this group date and uh-oh, Mike P.

I have a feeling this group date comes with a Revelation.

Mike says he doesn’t know if Katie will understand his being a virgin and if she doesn’t, he’ll probably be sent home.

Finally, it’s Mike’s turn and he sits Katie down and talks to her about what his future wife would be because he’s saving himself for marriage, and he leaves out the word “disappointed.” He also says, “I would wait another 31 years to have sex to show you I would sacrifice everything to make you feel loved and secure.” Please, let this man fuck.

Karl is taking an intense game-theory approach to the evening portion of the date and makes sustained eye contact and interrupts Katie whenever she tries to answer his questions.

When it’s time to hand out the group-date rose, Katie picks her top three and gives them some positive feedback: Thomas is hot, Mike is a virgin, and Connor is also hot.

It’s time for Greg’s one-on-one date.

Again, because Katie got zero one-on-one time during what legal has informed me I must call “Matt James’s season,” this stuff about Katie’s father passing away and how much time they spent doing outdoor things all feels like new information.

Greg tells her that she shouldn’t feel like she can’t tell him things or that her opening up is a burden, which is honestly the sexiest thing anyone could possibly do.

Katie tells him she can see him being there for a long time and this season is about to be OVER.

Katie says that Greg gave her a gift by giving her space to talk about her dad and comforting her.

They sweetly hug while crying and Katie just says, “This date was perfect.

Meanwhile, back at the resort, John, Andrew S., Kyle, Josh, Aaron, Brendan, Hunter, and Cody are asleep in their beds waiting for the next group date when two denim-clad maniacs break into their hotel rooms.

It’s just angry.

Aaron wins because he’s the main character of the group date and he gets eight minutes of time with Katie while still slathered in mud.

He tells Katie that he knows Cody from San Diego and Cody posted some things on social media that he didn’t like and he just gets the sense that Cody is malicious and a piece of shit who just wants to be famous.

It’s time for the evening portion of the date and Katie pulls Cody aside right away and asks him about his relationship with Aaron.

Katie doesn’t like Cody’s answers and can tell 100 percent that something isn’t right.

Cody tells her, “Good luck,” and Katie is so done she says, “Mm-hmm.” Okay, I might be into this bitch.

It’s time for the cocktail party, and Karl is about to Karl the whole thing up.

Quartney is just like, “… the fuck are you talking about?”, which becomes everyone’s reaction to Karl for the rest of the episode.

Karl sits down with Katie and tells her that he can’t name names, he can’t list any specifics, he cannot and will not provide any other information, but no one can be trusted and Katie should not be left alone with any of the other men.

It gets back to the rest of the contesticles that someone told Katie something and Karl says he doesn’t think everyone is being 100 percent authentic.

You already did!” Aaron says that Katie is really upset, so Karl needs to lay out exactly what’s going on, and Karl says, “I’m not putting anyone on blast.

I’m just accusing an unspecified number of people of being inauthentic!” Tre calls Karl a weak, spineless man who has to manipulate Katie to get her interested.