Tucker Carlson gets a sugary snack as M&M’s backtracks on its progressive ‘spokescandies’ - Toronto Star

Since logic melts in his mouth and not in his hands, Carlson screwed up his constipated resting face to bemoan this woke corporate push to make candy mascots “deeply unappealing and totally androgynous.” As opposed to what?

M&M’s tried to be more inclusive in 2022 and, months later, Carlson was probably texting Alex Jones about how Green is a lesbian or this new plus-sized Purple broad clearly loves to fivepin bowl in flannel.

But instead of becoming an ephemeral sugar high in conservative media — see also: 2022’s Oreos are “gay cookies” — M&M’s restocked the outrage pantry this week by bringing back the issue.

Mars Wrigley, the parent company, announced an “indefinite pause” on its animated mascots because “even a candy’s shoes can be polarizing.”

“Indefinite pause” is not the same as “banished forever.” I wouldn’t be surprised if M&M’s gives Carlson future nightmares by bringing back the characters he has no interest in seducing.

Yellow could have morphed into a postmodernist who believes even daydreaming is the result of a systemic power imbalance, and sensible people with names that don’t rhyme with Mucker Darlson would have yawned into their pomegranate seeds.