I was abused as a child, but now my mother needs care | Ask Philippa

Philippa’s answer You have worked so hard to build yourself an amazing life and you still must be diligent to keep impostor syndrome at bay, so as not to slip back into the mindset your childhood left you with.

If you spend more time with the person who did not protect you – who neglected your needs but nevertheless, as a child, you had to look after hers – you will be going back to the source of the mental-health setbacks you suffered and that would be like returning into the fire after you have spent so long recovering from being badly burned.

It seems when you are around your mother, her hold over you is such that you may feel compelled to regain equilibrium by controlling what you can, which is your food, and if you get re-triggered into an anorexic mindset again, you might even shorten your own life.

You can explain to her local adult social services – if they are willing to listen – that you and your brother were neglected and abused and although you both function OK now, if you re-enter her world, you would be endangering your mental health.

“The body,” as Bessel van der Kolk reminds us in the title of his book about the effects and treatment of trauma, “keeps the score.” If I were you, I would look after it by not re-entering the lion’s den.

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